


Risk

by Eggling



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: M/M, Technically pre-relationship - Freeform, but the ship is definitely there so i'm tagging as such, some background ben/polly as well but it's just mentioned they don't actually appear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:16:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28956315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggling/pseuds/Eggling
Summary: “Hey, it’s alright. I’m gonnae be fine.”“You don’t know that,” the Doctor mumbled. The frustration of not looking at Jamie properly was burning a hole through his stomach, but he clamped down at it, clenching his fists against the ache. “Anything could happen.”“Aye, it could. That’s a risk I’ll have tae take.”Jamie heads off to battle, Two tries to convince him not to go, and neither of them are honest with themselves.
Relationships: Second Doctor/Jamie McCrimmon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	Risk

**Author's Note:**

> on [tumblr](https://the--highlanders.tumblr.com/post/641196688737026048/risk-eggling-doctor-who-archive-of-our-own).

He was at the top of the north-west tower, the maid had said, looking half as dressed and twice as grim as any of the other soldiers she had seen. And sure enough, there he was, leaning his elbows against a dip in the crenellations, hands clasped together tight enough to whiten his knuckles. One knee was bent, bumping against the rough stone of the fortifications. The horizon was clouded with fog, thick droplets crowding in around the castle until the tall pines in the distance faded away into an empty greyness, but he stared out into it fixatedly, as if he could see all the way to the enemy camp. Discarded against the wall behind him was a bow, its angular metal shapes almost as dangerous as the energy bolts it could loose from its string, and ill-fitting plates were fixed over the shoulders and chest of his shirt, though he had apparently favoured his kilt over any protection for his legs. The sharpness of the armour distorted his form, breaking his familiar outline, and the strangeness of it kept the Doctor hovering in the doorway, hands clasped before him rather than clutching at Jamie’s shoulder.

Jamie tilted his head to one side when the Doctor leant against the door just hard enough to make it creak, but did not tear his eyes away from the horizon. “Hullo,” he said flatly.

“Hello.” The Doctor shifted his weight from one side to the other, but did not dare step out of the doorway. “What are you doing up here?”

“Just...” Jamie flicked his hand dismissively “Thinkin’.”

“Mm.”

“If you’ve come tae lecture me, then I’m no’ gonnae change my mind.”

“I wouldn’t dream of trying.”

“They need more men, ye said so yourself.”

“Yes, they do.” _But not you_ , he wanted to add. It wasn’t meant to be you.

“An’ this way I can be useful.”

“I don’t doubt it.” The Doctor took a hesitant step towards Jamie, unclasping his hands to hold them up – though whether he was trying to calm Jamie or himself, he was not sure. Jamie seemed perfectly steady, grounded almost, his eyes firm and sad rather than skittish, but the Doctor could not help but feel as if he might make a dash for the door if he moved too suddenly. “But, ah, Jamie – don’t you think you’re – well, rushing into this?”

“I’m no’ rushing into anything.” There was that toneless voice again, that empty stare out at the horizon. Like the battle was already fought, and he had already seen whatever awful things would come of it. It was so pointless, the Doctor thought. That was the worst of it. A useless waste of life, whatever way the coin was tossed, no matter how righteous he might tell himself their side was. Just a squabble started by a warmongering king over a tiny patch of land. “I’ve thought it over, an’ this is the only sensible thing tae do.”

“You could help us,” the Doctor said softly. “You could -” His voice cracked, and he pressed his sleeve over his mouth, cursing his lack of control. It would not do, he told himself firmly, to go letting on to Jamie quite how concerned he was. There was no need to worry him, especially not just before - “We need more people inside the castle, too. And you’d be -”

“Safe.”

“Well -” There was no arguing with it, he supposed. Jamie already knew. Of course he already knew. “Well, yes,” he murmured instead. “It isn’t too late to change your mind, you know, Jamie. Nobody would think any less of you.”

“No.”

Why had he ever thought Jamie would say anything else?

He tucked himself into the crenellation beside Jamie’s, keeping carefully apart from him. It was certainly effective, this staring out at the horizon business. He had spent the whole climb up to the top of the tower convincing himself that he only had to ask, that Jamie would step back from the metaphorical edge gladly and agree to keep himself safe. He had known that he would not, of course, but to hear Jamie say so out loud and with such conviction was quite another matter.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie said softly. “I cannae just – they’ve already given me all this, ye know -” He nudged at the bow behind him with his foot, and turned just enough for the Doctor to catch a glimpse of the flickering blue blade of the plasma sword at his waist. “I couldnae face them, if I told them I didnae want tae do it anymore.” He huffed out a soft breath of humourless laughter. “An’ they need tae win this for us tae get the TARDIS back. Ye said so yourself.”

“Yes. Yes, I know.” Something horrible had lodged itself in his throat, sharp and sticky as he struggled to breathe around it. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Hey.” Jamie reached out to tug on his shoulders, pulling him around so they faced each other. The Doctor kept his eyes fixed carefully on Jamie’s chest instead of his face. As unlike him as it was, he was sure he would burst into tears if he met Jamie’s gaze now. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m gonnae be fine.”

“You don’t _know_ that,” the Doctor mumbled. The frustration of not looking at Jamie properly was burning a hole through his stomach, but he clamped down at it, clenching his fists against the ache. “Anything could happen.”

“Aye, it could. That’s a risk I’ll have tae take.”

“Why?” He could resist the urge no longer. Looking up to meet Jamie’s eyes, he found them bright with a nervousness that matched his own, and he could have sworn that one of his hearts stopped beating at the sight. It was rather lucky, he thought, that they had landed in a place with defibrillators. He had the horrible feeling that he would need one rather soon. “This isn’t your risk to take.”

Jamie shrugged – like he was going to be doing nothing more than taking a short stroll, with no danger involved whatsoever. “Someone has to. I’d rather it were me than Polly, or Ben, or -” He swallowed. “Or you.”

Somewhere along the way they had drifted towards each other, until they were stood close enough together that the Doctor could have sworn he could hear Jamie’s heartbeat. Then again, it could have been one of his own, the one he had thought had given out. Perhaps it was not an important distinction to make. No doubt every heart they had between them was beating just as fast. “I would take the risk for you,” he said. “If – ah – if I thought I would be any use in a battle, that is.”

“No, ye wouldn’t,” Jamie said, equally gently. “Ye could never stomach doing it. That’s what I’m here for, to do the things ye won’t.”

“Jamie, I -”

“I didnae say I minded.”

“You should!” The exclamation burst out of him, breaking the fragile softness that had arisen between them. His anger rose with the knowledge of what he had just ruined, fuelling him into pressing on. “I won’t have you throwing yourself into harm’s way just because you can!”

Jamie frowned. “I don’t think that’s your choice tae make.”

He faltered at that, certainty slipping away. That was the truth of it, however much he despised the fact. Whether or not he thought it was a good idea was entirely irrelevant. Jamie was a – a _friend_ , nothing more and nothing less than that, no mater what else he might wish for. It was not his place to ask what Polly had asked of Ben, no less than an hour ago – to expect Jamie to protect himself for his own peace of mind.

Jamie stepped closer, pressing his hands over the Doctor’s shoulders, fingers digging into the dips and hollows around his bones. Pressing himself up into the touch, the Doctor reached out in return, settling his hands over Jamie’s ribs. Not quite over his waist – he was not so bold – but close enough to set his blood to roaring in his ears. They stared at each other, fingers digging into each other’s clothes and skin, leaning into their points of contact like they were trying to leave some sort of mark of their presence behind.

The Doctor inclined his head towards the bow at Jamie’s feet. “They showed you how to use it.”

“Aye. I’m not the best shot, but – it’ll have tae do.” Jamie wavered, head dipping forwards for the briefest of moments before he leant back again. “Doctor?”

A shudder ran through the Doctor’s body, gathering itself in his scalp and tracing its way down his spine to burrow into the floor beneath him. He feared and dreaded and imagined and anticipated the next words out of Jamie’s mouth, all at once, repeating his own deepest hope and most forbidden reply to himself. _I love you. I love you. I love you_. “Yes?” he croaked out.

“I -” Jamie dipped forward again, slowly enough that it surely could not have been an accident. “I just wanted tae – tae tell ye -”

At last he pressed himself all the way forward, but ducked to one side at the last moment to pull the Doctor into a hug. He squeezed him almost painfully tight, and the Doctor clutched at him just as desperately, like he could hold him in place if he tried hard enough. Jamie pressed his cheek against the Doctor’s forehead, then turned his head just enough that his lips touched the spot instead.

If he had felt electrified before, waiting for whatever Jamie had been about to say, every nerve in the Doctor’s body was alight and abuzz now, screaming out a thousand different explanations for the simple movement. It had been an accident – no, he was simply overthinking it, and the idea that it might have meant something had never crossed Jamie’s mind – he was reading far too much into something that was surely very simple. There was no other explanation possible. Anything else was simply a product of his own overactive imagination, his own wishful thinking.

“What did you want to tell me?” he whispered.

Jamie smiled, lips curving against the Doctor’s skin. He twisted the two of them back and forth slowly, rocking them from side to side, one thumb tracing circles over the Doctor’s back. “I -” He shook his head, pulling back to rest his forehead against the Doctor’s properly. “It doesnae matter,” he said, throwing the Doctor a grin that was evidently supposed to be reassuring. “It’s no’ for now.”

“If you’re sure.”

He leant forwards just enough to brush their noses together, and this time there was no doubt in the Doctor’s mind as to what Jamie was thinking of doing. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes to savour the sweetness of the air at such a high altitude, keenly aware that his hands were shaking. It was a strange thing, somehow, that he should have been dreaming and dreaming of Jamie kissing him for so long, and yet now the opportunity was here he felt almost sick with it, with the fear of breaking the delicate thing they had between them. Perhaps it would be better, he thought, to leave it there. To leave things the way they were, caught in the limbo of this risky dance, neither of them wanting to lead for the next step.

He hesitated for a long moment, his mind all but tearing itself in two, then pressed his hand over Jamie’s cheek instead. Something had kept Jamie from closing the distance himself, and he could not help but feel that it had been the right thing to do. Jamie was right. This was not something for now. Perhaps later, when they were both too buoyed up by adrenaline to think twice about it. Jamie would come running to him, after the battle – and he _would_ be running, unscathed and unworried – and they would tumble into each other in relief, and not bother to worry about anything until it was far too late to be worried at all.

There was just one problem with all that, of course. The vital stipulation that nothing could go wrong in between now and then.

“I wanted tae tell ye,” Jamie said, so quietly that the Doctor almost missed it. “Look after yourself.”

Nothing could possibly go wrong. He would not allow it.

“Oh, don’t worry about me,” he said, as lightly as he could manage. “Look after yourself, hm?”


End file.
